I haven’t really written any posts about myself yet so here goes. This explains a little bit about my past and how I got to where I am today… taking 22 pills a day!
I’m 21 years old, single, 5’9, 300 pounds, and I have been mentally ill since I was a kid. This picture is of my new pill container I bought from the dollar store…. It is a a foot (12 inches) long! The green one shows a regular sized one.
I didn’t realize it until I was older that my mental illnesses didn’t come overnight. They start from memories and things planted into your mind when you’re kid. They’re buried behind your thoughts that are as far back as you can remember. Mine started with school…
I always struggled with school, even when I was in 1st grade my mother caught me hiding homework in my toy box! I had a lot of friends but none that were very close. I actually had to get out of school in order to really make friends. Some kids were even embarrassed to be my friend! They were my friend outside of school but completely denied everything at school. After 4th grade, I had no friends.
When I was in 6th grade, I sat next to a girl in math who was beautiful and popular. I asked her what it was like to be popular and if you had to be popular to be her friend. Afterwards, her and her friends got together and made a list called “How to be popular”. The list told me everything I needed to change about myself in order to be accepted as one of them. It said things like:
- No listening to boy bands
- Wear make up every day
- Lose weight
- Wear nice clothes and shoes, no sneakers, t-shirts, or jeans.
Anyways, one day someone pointed out that they were laughing at me after they told me to go run laps at recess in order to lose more weight. I stopped running and stopped talking to those girls. I decided it was better to have no friends than have friends like them. They made fun of me for the rest of the year.
School was always hell for me, some even think that it is the reason why I’m so screwed up. Even in 5th grade I was bullied so badly that the teacher brought in puzzles for me to do during recess. Once in 5th grade, a girl even cut a huge chunk of hair off of my head because she said my hair was ugly.
Throughout all of this, I had my family. They are the one reason why I’m still here today. My family is always there and they try to understand to the best of their ability. My older sister was kind of a bully to me, but she became my best friend after she moved out.
After 5th and 6th grade, I decided to isolate myself and not talk to anyone at school. I started developing suicidal thoughts when I was in 5th grade. They have never left my mind, they are always there. They are there when I wake up, when I drive anywhere, and when I go to bed at night.
I made a really good friend when I was in middle school named Leslie. She helped me to build my confidence and helped me to realize that it really doesn’t matter what other people think. If I wake up one day and decide that I want to color all over my pants, wear mismatching socks, mismatching shoes, a tie dye shirt, crazy hair and make up, or even go pierce something, then I can. It doesn’t matter what other people think. I still dress kinda funky to this day Leslie, you’re the best “bbf” anyone could ever ask for!
Skipping to where I start taking meds! I was 16 and the doctor starts prescribing me anti depressants. He starts at an extremely low dose. I don’t feel a thing. Stop taking them after a couple months because they aren’t doing anything. Then… I start getting into drugs and alcohol! My life has been spiraling out of control ever since. I finally sobered up when I got off of Heroin. Next month, I’ll have been clean for 3 years!!
Except throughout this whole time, and after a few visits to the psych unit at the hospital, my doctors have been occasionally increasing doses and adding new medications. Some help, some don’t. Right now we’re just trying to find the right combination that will help me manage my thoughts and emotions better. Hopefully with my next visit, we can drop a couple pills?
My family thinks I’m killing myself by being on all of these medications. They think that the medications are making me worse! I don’t know what’s going on in my head right now, but I’m doing the best I can. Listed below are the things I’ve been diagnosed with:
- Borderline personality disorder – Emotionally unstable, alternating between high positive regard and great disappointment (Self harm and psychotic break-downs)
- Agoraphobia - fear of being outside.
- Panic Disorder - attacks of intense fear
- Bulimia – Binge/Purge
- Social Phobia - fear of interaction with other people.
- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - unable to distinguish between what is possible, what is probable and what is unlikely to happen.
- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - disturbing recurring flashbacks
- Generalized Anxiety Disorder - excessive, uncontrollable and often irrational worry.
- Major Depressive Disorder - feelings of sadness interfere with everyday life
- Angrophobia – Phobia of Angry People
Most of the things on the list involve fear. Honestly, getting up and going to work every morning is terrifying. Even when I come home and stay inside the rest of the day, I’m afraid to go to sleep because I have such horrible, vivid nightmares. Yes, I take a pill for that but it doesn’t freakin’ work! It knocks me out like you wouldn’t believe but I still have nightmares nearly every night.
Anyways, leave your comments below. Anything I deem rude or irrelevant will be removed. Thanks for your support everyone! And those of you who are struggling with similar things, feel free to contact me.